… yet, I feel like I need to write, and that what I write needs to have a life outside me. So here I am, and I have no idea where to begin.
The last week has had tremendous lows and a few truly perspective-altering highs. I struggled my way through my first-ever professional brush with potential failure, and while I emerged victorious at the end, the process (the sausage making, if you will) was hardly affirming. I’ll take the victory and be happy, but that doesn’t mean my shaken self confidence will rebound quickly. It won’t.
What’s more, in walking through those tough 24 hours, I got a really useful and somewhat surprising opportunity to see who in my life would make their presence, their support, and their faith in me known when it mattered most. Some of the people who reached out to me surprised me. Likewise, some of the people who utterly failed to reach out when it absolutely mattered the most surprised me. In all cases, I learned something valuable, and those lessons shan’t soon be forgotten.
In the aftermath, life feels utterly different. Immediately afterwards, I spent several hours with two of my favorite people ever, people who understood that the day needed marking post haste, that time shifting it forward to some unspecified day and time simply Would. Not. Do. I drank a margarita roughly the size of my head, became very giggly and happy, and went to see a silly movie that perfectly matched my mood. Then I came home, got all up in my head and contemplative, and found myself chasing down a path I hardly expected to discover, especially at that moment. What’s more, that path, so random and unexpected, has proven a rather fruitful one to traverse.
It’s like this pivotal, life-defining moment has brought everything else into sharp relief. For the first time in over a year, I’ve been able to sleep soundly, through the night, without needing the TV to be on all night long. I don’t think it’s possible to communicate in words how totally amazing that is. Tonight, I wrapped up a 14-session, six-week class with a group of 12 students who were so much fun to work with… but now that the class is over, I get a couple of my weeknights back, which means I can once again find a better balance between work, school, and life. I can actually spend time with people at reasonable hours during the week! That’s a great gift, and I’m going to go do some of my favorite things over the next week to take advantage of it.
So much of my life seems defined by my outlook… getting right in my mind, getting right in my heart, always seems to invite greatness into my world, and I can already tell that the “sharp relief” afforded by the “who really cares?” sorting that took place late last week has brought me to a MUCH, much better place. I get it. Most importantly, I’m HAPPY. I’m not all meta: I’m not overanalyzing; I’m not obsessing or questioning or any of that. And you wanna know why? Because I trust myself. I know I deserve to be happy, and I’m actively choosing that path. In short, I pick me. If other people happen to come along for the ride, well, so much the better! But in the meantime, I’m going to do what I want to do, the things that make me happy, and my British epiphany will continue to yield wonderful dividends.
So what am I gonna do? Sing my heart out at the Big Bang. Dance in my car, while walking, and anywhere else I can manage while listening to “Pocket Full of Sunshine” and “Faith.” Go on a solo road trip this weekend. See a play. Get a pedicure. Enjoy the Spankers. Wear a skirt. Watch “Frost/Nixon.” Teach Congress. Watch “The Big Bang Theory.” Contemplate which of my favorite things I’ll do in DC. Get ready for Vegas. And a myriad of other things that I absolutely love.
LOVE! I love my life and love that I have so much happiness and joy crammed into every single day. I choose that. That’s what I want.