In the car tonight, particularly after the sun went down, I cued up some of my favorite music, turned the stereo WAY up, and commenced with my usual solo-road-trip serenade. The music I chose tonight spoke to me in a way it doesn’t always, though — from Natasha Bedingfield telling me that today is where my book begins because the rest is unwritten, to Leann Womack hoping that you dance, to Meatloaf letting us know that he’d do anything for love… but he won’t do that. Well. It all just seemed to weave something of a coherent story for me. Perhaps I was looking for a message, and found what I was looking for?
It’s hard to say. Certainly, I’ve been more introspective the last week or so than normal (which is really saying something, when you consider my baseline level of introspection, haha). I’ve always tried to live my life with arms wide open, willing to let life bring into my world whatever forces may come, regardless of the outcome. While friends have told me that I’m just asking for more hurt, I don’t see it that way; I have loved deeply and been hurt because of it, yes, but I wouldn’t trade the love to eliminate the hurt. I have lived a life almost completely without regret; I’ve never held back out of fear, never shut down because I couldn’t predict what might happen (’cause you never know what might happen!). I don’t live without fear — I just don’t allow the fear to paralyze my passion. That’s really it, isn’t it? I live a passionate life, regardless of its consequences. No — IN SPITE of its consequences. I consciously choose this path, daily, even though I know it rarely turns out well. (As my therapist so helpfully says, 99% of relationships fail. Thanks, Maggie!)
It’s taken me some time to accept the fact that I cannot control anyone’s emotions but my own… and whether I can “control” my emotions is a fairly open question, but they’re mine, and wholly, solely mine. I put a lot of myself out there in the world hoping that some of the passion and love I so freely give away will come back to me. Often, it does not — but that’s something over which I have no control.
And here’s the thing. When it does come back? When I can feel surrounded by the warm embrace of reciprocated ardor? WOW. It makes all the missteps and hurt SO very worth it.
I’ve loved and lost enough to have made my peace with this reality. My optimistic nature and my enduring belief that the world will bring passion into my life gives me tremendous comfort. I’m serene. I’m happy. I’m excited, even.
There is no hidden message in this post, no attempt at cleverly communicating (to anyone) some larger message about where I’m at right now. These are just the thoughts I had while driving tonight, and I wanted to share them… with more than just a single e-mail recipient. So there you have it.