For those who’ve never understood (or heard about) my fascination with the Daily Drool (a listserv for basset hound owners/foodslaves), here’s the most recent post from one of funniest daily droolers, Bill. I just think this is hysterical.
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Bill here, press agent/personal trainer and now curriculum consultant to Miss Angela Basset, Droop and Drool Diva of Wichita and Sedgwick County
Miss Angela Basset would like to announce the offering of her exclusive introductory class in Dramatic Arts for Bassets (and wannabees) to be posted as Bassetude 101. This is a fifteen lesson course with one lesson per week. Unless Nancy (Arbiter of All Things Droolable) decides this is not a proper forum, the weekly lesson will be posted on the Drool. There are no prerequisites and the class will be pass/fail. Those who successfully complete the course will receive a certificate from the Diva herself. To be eligible for the certificate, send Miss Angela a statement affirming that you will be regular in your participation, that you have a human who can help you operate the computer, and that you agree do your homework regularly.
Syllabus – Bassetude 101
Week 1 – I Am Basset, Hear Me Roar (roar is just an anagram for aroo!)
This class explores the uniqueness of Basset Hounds, the innate nobility of the breed and how to act so that your human will also recognize that nobility.
Week 2 – The Look and How to Use It
Nothing is more powerful than that look that at once establishes your desire for service and your expectation that things will be done quickly or there will be consequences. How to avoid looking pitiful while looking upset.
Week 3 – Feed Me! Feed Me Now
How to act in such a way that the human in your life will quickly learn what you want to eat and when you want it. Changing your mind is also addressed.
Week 4 – I Would Like to Go Out. NOW! Part I
Management of your human to facilitate ingress and egress from the quarters. Some motivational tools will be given.
Week 5 – I Would Like to Go Out. NOW Part II
Advanced techniques for door management.
Week 6 – You May Now Pet Me
Activities to help sensitize your human to your needs for ear scratches, belly rubs and other forms of tactile affection.
Week 7 – I AM DISPLEASED
There are many ways to express displeasure short of the socially unacceptable. Explore a variety of actions to correct human failures.
Week 8 – Mid Term Examination
Week 9 – Dignity — When to Use It, When to Lose It
Play, silliness and caprice as useful activities designed to keep the humans in your quarters off balance and guessing.
Week 10 – Meeting New People
Your human may be easily trained, but going outside the quarters requires new people management skills.
Week 11 – Exercise? Moi?
Choosing your own level of activity and discouraging expectations of other activities.
Week 12 – You Are Eating Without Me?
Acting at mealtime can mean the difference between happiness and a full belly and being forced to eat dog food.
Week 13 – Bedtime. Mine, not yours.
How to make the human aware of the sleep situation in the house.
Week 14 – The Matter of Costume.
The Angela Basset approach to wearing people pleasing garments.
Week 15 – Final Examination
Miss Basset will be assisted in lesson preparation by William Jenkins, MSEd but is wholly responsible for the content of the course. The Diva is very open to suggenstions for additions to the course, items that should be covered in Bassetude II and compliments on the course. She is not open to criticism, editing or other suggestions that she does not know whereof she speaks.
The course will begin next week. Some homework will be required.
Bill (I can’t believe that she got this thing together)
Angela (I have trained him well but he is still a clueless human.)